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----- Original Message -----
From: Sandy P. Klein
To: spklein52@hotmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, July 13, 2004 4:45 AM
Subject: Maria, light of my life, fire of my loins. ...
This article can be found at: http://knotmag.com/?article=1372
"Vladimir Nabokov"
MORE The Last Sports Bar:
Knot Magazine - Boulder,CO,USA
... Maria Sharapova is a great athlete. She is seventeen years old. She was born in Russia, but she moved to the United States, just like Vladimir Nabokov. ...
STRANGERS in a strange land
In The Fray - Cambridge,MA,USA
... of-age narrative ≈ one at times reminiscent of JD Salinger▓s Catcher in the Rye, Philip Roth▓s Portnoy▓s Complaint, and Vladimir Nabokov▓s Lolita. ...
Knot Magazine : knotmag.com
Aurochs and Angels
Will Hickman
The Last Sports Bar 7.12.04
Ms. Sharapova, the new women's Wimbledon champion, is seventeen years old. She is also, by prompt and unabashed media acclamation, sports' newest sex symbol.
Maria Sharapova. Maria, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul, Ma-ree-ah: the mouth making a motion of three parts to exhale, at three, the breath. Ma. Ree. Ah.
Ms. Sharapova, the new women's Wimbledon champion, is seventeen years old. She is also, by prompt and unabashed media acclamation, sports' newest sex symbol. This is probably okay. She obviously doesn't mind, and is P.R.-savvy enough to claim that she's "saving herself for Prince William." So, fine. No one's going to accuse me of being a prude. For God's sake, I'm even on speaking terms with Knotmag sex columnist Adam Kinesis, who makes the Marquis de Sade look like a castrated Jehovah's Witness. I'd just like some clarification. I mean, there is still a line somewhere, right? I like to think this wouldn't happen if Maria Sharapova were, say, thirteen. Then again, most of the thirteen-year-old girls I see around are dressed like West Hollywood street walkers, so perhaps I am a prude after all. I don't like this particular slippery slope. First, you're ogling Maria Sharapova. Or how about actress Hilary Duff, age 16? Before you know it, you're watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and thinking "You know, that accent of Hermoine's is pretty hot. And I'm glad she stopped wearing those damn wizard robes all the time and got herself some Gap jeans."
No, wait! Gentlewomen of the jury! I am merely making a point. I am on your side. I am part of the solution. For example, I freely admit that I have entertained impure thoughts about Lindsay Lohan, but only since July 2, which was, by an astonishing coincidence, her eighteenth birthday. Also, while I found Natalie Portman very sexy indeed in Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones, my feelings toward her in Episode I were entirely chaste. Armed with moral rectitude and the date-of-birth listings in the Internet Movie Database, I remain pure of heart. The tricks of the deviants who run the entertainment industry do not work on me. I didn't find Anna Paquin the least bit attractive in Almost Famous, despite the fact that she spent the entire film half-naked. This is even more evident on the director's cut DVD. Which I do own. But only because I like the soundtrack so much. Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
Wait! Gentlewomen of the jury! I digress! Ignore my ramblings. I don't even know what the hell that song means. Bernie Taupin wrote those lyrics and Elton John sang them. I don't trust people who get someone else to sing their lyrics for them. It smacks of subterfuge. I am surrounded on all sides by child pornographers. In her upcoming movie Birth, Nicole Kidman French-kisses a twelve-year-old boy and takes a bath with him. The justification for this is that in the film, he is the reincarnation of her dead husband. This is more or less the same premise as the pretty good 1989 Cybill Shepherd -- Robert Downey Jr. film Chances Are, and whatever genius thought it would be improved by making the male lead a pre-adolescent should probably go to jail, on aesthetic if not moral grounds. In any case, somehow I doubt that if Tom Cruise decided to try this particular storyline with a twelve-year-old girl it would go over very well. Then again, Lolita got made twice, most recently with that sick bastard Jeremy Irons playing opposite 15-year-old Dominique Swain and her allegedly legal-aged body double. This film was the work of director Adrian Lyne, who was also responsible for Fatal Attraction, Indecent Proposal, and Unfaithful. It is perhaps not going too far to say that Mr. Lyne might not have an entirely healthy perception of the opposite sex. You see, gentlewomen of the jury? You see how righteous and blameless I am? Sure, I've seen all of Adrian Lyne's movies, but I didn't enjoy any of them. Well, okay, Fatal Attraction was pretty good, but come on, that won Oscars. And say what you want about Unfaithful, but you can't say Diane Lane isn't of age. And come to think of it, Lolita wasn't terrible, though it didn't come close to doing the book justice. Ms. Swain actually gave a note-perfect performance as the title character, and the cinematography was great. I'm a sucker for cinematography. I'm positive I didn't like Indecent Proposal though. That's something. Hello?
Wait! I know. I ramble. Please be patient with me. I am a mere sportswriter, and I'm supposed to be writing about tennis. Maria Sharapova is a great athlete. She is seventeen years old. She was born in Russia, but she moved to the United States, just like Vladimir Nabokov. On her website, it says that she enjoys reading Pippi Longstocking books. Her favorite movie is Pearl Harbor. Seventeen is quite young. Maria Sharapova will turn eighteen on April 19, 2005. Eighteen is still pretty young, or maybe I'm just old. I feel old. I am twenty-seven years old. I will turn twenty-eight exactly two weeks before Maria Sharapova turns eighteen. Women's tennis is the only women's sport that I ever watch, outside of an occasional Olympic event. That is probably a bad thing, but I doubt that it's uncommon among sports fans, male and female alike. Women's tennis receives considerably more media attention than any other women's sport. Indeed, it currently receives more attention than Men's tennis does, the only major pro or college sport in which that's true. It would be nice to think that this is not primarily because it often features attractive women and girls running and sweating in traditionally feminine, and fairly revealing, attire. It would also be nice to think that there's still a line, somewhere, that individuals have to cross before they're old enough to be exploited, but I know, gentlewomen, that it is not my place to pass judgment. I've exploited Maria Sharapova just by writing about her. Ms. Sharapova has quickly become one of the most googled people on earth, and it's time to send some of those hits my way. Some poor pedophile who tries to cross-search her with Hilary Duff and Dominique Swain is going to be disappointed. I think I'll add the phrase "graphic nudity" here just for good measure, thus ensuring that this will outlast all my other writings. I am thinking of aurochs and angels, the secret of internet search engines, prophetic sonnets, the refuge of this column. And this is the only immortality you and I may share, my Maria.
This article can be found at: http://knotmag.com/?article=1372